Loss Or Something Like It.

For those who know me, you wouldn’t expect 2017 to be one of the worst years of my life as of yet. I smile. I laugh. I have good times. I’m positive. I’m chill. I’m “normal”.

It’s a facade, for the most part. But I’m getting better.

Losing big components of my life in such a short time has definitely knocked me down a peg. A three year relationship, job, and my Grandmother (Nina).  I don’t usually write about the negatives in my life but with the passing of my Nina the morning of June 17th, I just have to get this out.

My life will now be broken up into two eras. Life with my Nina, and life without. Before and after. Pre 6/17/17 and post 6/17/17. The reason being, she was my everything.

As a little girl, she shaped me into a person filled with love and spirituality. Everything she did exuded CARING. Her words and her actions were just perfection in my young ears and eyes. We would eat candy, laugh, make up silly languages, and watch movies. She dressed me up in little elegant pageant dresses and did my hair before church. She cooked me whatever I wanted with a smile on her face. She told me stories. She gave me foot massages on demand. I always sat on HER lap in the car because she was my favorite human being. I could seriously go on and on. It’s as if her World was me and my World was HER. Even if it wasn’t really like that, that’s how she made me feel. I couldn’t ask for anything better.

You guys, she wasn’t just a Grandmother to me, she was my soulmate. My inner thoughts. My moral compass. Her embrace was literally my favorite thing in life. It was like a drug. I have always had a little Nina shrine next to my bed as long as I can remember. A picture of her and her mother’s necklace. Maybe I should have sought out therapy at that point?! Haha! She truly is and was an obsession. I love her so much.

People would always hear me say “I swear on my Nina” because that was the closest person I had to God. I meant it. Still do.

A little light in me went out on June 17th. My World came crashing down. I had that fear every single day of my life ever since I could remember. I can’t believe I lost my Nina. What makes things a little worse is that I don’t think the people closest to me really understand how much this has truly impacted my life, which is TOTALLY okay! I don’t expect them to. Everyone loses their loved ones. I am definitely no different. It still just makes me feel isolated in a way.

The day after she died and when I was finally able to stop crying, I felt pure joy.  I had SO much energy. Dancing around and shopping. It was INSANE! I was confused as to why? I came up with these three conclusions.

My Nina isn’t suffering anymore. In the back of my mind, knowing she was unwell was a weight on my shoulders. That weight is lifted.

The love my Nina had for all of us in the family is now transferred energy. When she passed, we all received the abundance of  love and care she had for us.

And finally, the old cliche….

My Nina’s spirit is with me. She is watching over us now.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this. I am here to give anybody unlimited foot massages, tell you stories, etc. If I can be just half the woman my Nina was, then I know I did a good job in life.

-Christina